For the past month or two, I’ve been on a roller coaster–a whirlwind of emotions and activity–good and bad. One of my biggest frustrations is that I am always “fighting a clock”. I said this to my sweetie Saturday evening after spending the day helping my Mom move into her new place and then rushing to get spiffed up for his daughter’s fashion show.
It’s true; I’m typically on time for everything, but I feel like I am always rushing, rushing to get ready, rushing to get there, rushing through a task, rushing through a conversation or a meeting, rushing through the work day, rushing to get on to the next thing. The frustration is the feeling that I am not giving 100% to anything, y’know? Do you ever feel like this?
Eventually the frustration overwhelms me; that’s when Mr. Anxiety and Ms. Depression amble in for a visit. They are like the cousins that come to stay for a weekend and are still on your couch two months later. Not really welcome, and almost impossible to kick to the curb. But I’m happy to say their bags are packed, and they are most of the way out to the street–good riddance.
In my overwhelmed state I’m usually desperate (not always rationally) to let something go altogether; give up an obligation or an aspect of my life or routine that would allow me to give more time to the others. Exercise and meal-planning are usually the first to go. I know, not a good idea…but isn’t letting something that just impacts yourself the easiest to forego?
I also contemplated letting this blog go, as in shutting it down. I never saw blogging as an obligation, but sometimes it seems like a competition; and when you are a little fish in a big sea, well… let’s just say Theodore Roosevelt was right when he said “comparison is the thief of joy”. But starting this blog helped me to work through some crap, to heal, and I rather enjoy blogging–so why would I give that up? (I told you they weren’t always rational thoughts).
After week of contemplation, some irrational declarations of “I’m going to quit _____!” or “I’m going to do this!”–The bottom line is–there isn’t anything in my life right now that I can give up, or quit, or walk away from; even if I really wanted to. I just have to do what I can in each situation, quit beating myself up over what I don’t get done, and move forward. Looking back hasn’t gotten me anywhere before, why would it start working for me now?
And why am I still re-learning this same lesson at the age of 42???